Oh, hello there. Sit down and shut the hell up. Aught-ober is over, get it? I have some stuff to say and you’re all going to fucking listen.
Before we get started (I am almost 40% confident there’s a recap that follows but that depends on my drinking, obviously), I had a thought. Anyone who played hockey (or any sport for that matter) likely had a pre-game ritual. Some people listened to music, some had specific eating habits, some laced their skates in a certain way, some needed time alone with a goat name Gilbert, but it doesn’t matter what it was. They all had one.
I used to have my own when I played hockey but we’ll talk about Gilb…you know what, it doesn’t matter. Nowadays, I listen to the same Avs playlist before every game. One of those songs is the Zambonis’ Avalanche song but the main one is the most famous hockey song of all time, the Good Ol Hockey Game by Stompin’ Tom Connors.
But Ol Tom and I are about to have some fucking words because he may be the worst storyteller of all time and it pisses me the fuck off.
He starts out by just coming in hot announcing “oh hey we’re live.” Thanks for the fucking warning Tom. Then Bobby scores. Of course, there is that age old mystery which Bobby but still, some kind of Bobby scores.
Here’s where it gets really annoying. The home team ties the game in the second period by acting like bumblebees (a reference no one every fucking used in hockey).
But then the last verse comes:
“Last game in the playoffs too.”
Oh, just off-hand mention that it’s the last game. The only way you, Tom, can be sure it’s the last game of the playoffs is if its Game 7 of the finals. Um, maybe fucking lead with that Tommy? You know, let people know what going on.
Then it gets worse:
“Now the final flick, of a hockey stick, and a one gigantic scream: “the puck is in! The home team wins!”
Wait, that means it was fucking overtime in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Literally the greatest situation in sports and you casually fucking drop it at the end of the song. This the worst fucking god damn unclear storytelling in any song period. That’s not dragging out the drama, that’s being an asshole Tom.
Also, that means Bobby lost. Sucks for Bobby.
Now that I’m pissed again let’s recap this bitch. There are two options: (1) Avs win and go to 7-5 or (2) they shit the bed and move the .500. I ignore OT losses. Regardless, in this “choose your own adventure” game I chose option (1). The Avs….. chose option (1) too and killed it and won.
Well that wasn’t a good start. After an unnecessary turnover by Nemeth, Rask stuck a shot over Varly’s shoulder. Weeeeeeaaaaaaaaak by Varly. Booooo. 0-1 Avs.
Well after about 5 minutes, Carolina came to play. They had all the possession. You could tell the Avs’ many, many days off hurt. They were sloppy, hoppy, choppy, boppy? Things that rhyme with oppy that aren’t good? You get the fucking idea.
After a good shift by the Mack line, the Avs started skating. The Avs changed and kept the puck in the zone. A great keep led to a penalty. On the delayed call the Avs did well to keep the puck in the zone and use their possession. After a switch on the D to change shot angles, Johnson ripped a slap shot, on the ice, to Soderberg who tipped it right under Ward. Great use of the extra man there boys. 1-1.
TANGENT 1: Grimaldi is so small. He’s like David the Gnome’s child. Look around you, there are many things to see, that some would say, could never beeee…these things I know ,are true and I will tell you so, they are plain to see, to you and meeee….birds and fishes, and fairy kings… fuck you, I know the theme song. What about it?
The next shift was by the line of “guys no one wants on the Avs” and the had a great shift.
The Avs “third?” line came out (Yak, Kerfoot, and Greer) with some great pressure. After a good keep down low, Yak held up his man and Greer got the puck to Nemeth ripped a short side shot past Ward. 2-1 Avs.
Well, after a dogshit effort from the Duchene line Carolina scored. I would go into it, but Carolina has roughly 176 shots on net. 2-2
The period ended, but sucked, I think. I am not really sure. You could tell the lack of rhythm was a problem. Being tied was good.
TANGENT 2: Good tie and pocket square combo Ryker to coincide with the cancer charity. Small stripes in the pocket, large stripes on the tie. I approve. And I am the judge and jury. Also, Mark, if you’re reading this, which you are, I like the mohair blend suit. The mohair/wool blend ads a nice sheen on tv.
TANGENT 3: What a weird fucking period. The Avs clearly were sluggish after the break but laziness and uber-energy by the ‘Lina ‘Canes was great. See that. LinaCanes. Like Lidocaine, for burns. Get it? Get the burn? Nevermind, shut up.
Super Important Comparison of the Night (First Period)
Avs shots over the net: Yeah, I didn’t count because Carolina had the puck for 82% of the time.
Drinks I’ve had: However, I had 4 drinks and my glass was empty only 1.8% of the period.
AVS GOT THE FIRST SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No goal though. However, Avs had great pressure, and by that I mean Rants had a great shift, but alas! No goal.
At the 2 minute mark, we saw the bad side of Mironov. He just doesn’t have the game speed yet. He tried a clever pass that Faulk picked off but ripped it off the post.
Um, it’s been a bunch of minutes and the Avs looked good but nothing major. Kind of back and forth and then the Avs took a penalty. Nemeth got off a goooood slash. PK-1.
Avs killed it without any trouble until the last 5 seconds but a bounce short went over the net. Carolina then took a penalty when they couldn’t get movement around Johnson. Avs go on the power play. “Da PeePee” as the Canadian kids say. PP-1.
TANGENT 4: Fuck Freddie Prince Jr. Just generally, I fucking hate that guy.
And it’s over. I wouldn’t really call it a power play, per se. As that old adage goes, if a power play is called but the Avs don’t show up, did the power play happen?
Then the Avs got a rush as the Carolina defenseman fell down. Lucky. A 3 on 1 resulted and Soda passed to Comeau who got a stick on it as it deflected up and over Ward. 3-2 Avs.
TANGENT 5: Who the fuck is Berg Simpson. No one should hire them.
Avs then got a great rush with Greer, Kerfoot, and Miro. Kerfoot fed Miro but he couldn’t bury his first NHL goal. Greer then pissed everyone off and got into fight. The crowd cheered. I cheered. Then I think Greer got a misconduct? I am not sure.
The next shift, Mack had a great rush and sped around the left defenseman, but Ward stopped Mack’s initial shot. The rebound bounced out and Landy came in all kinds of hot and Landy buried it. 4-2 Avs.
‘LinaCanes challenged the call as offside. And……….good goal. Avs score. Fuck you ‘Lina. And Avs get a PP.
“INTERNAL THOUGHT – Bury this dogshit team”
And back to your regular scheduled programming.
And boom. After some good movement, Mack took the puck in the high right corner and fed a perfect, “you better tip this,” pass to Rants who tipped it beautifully. 5-2 Avs.
Okay well the Avs turtled a bit and somehow a rebound went over Varly’s shoulder. 5-3 Avs.
Super Important Comparison of the Night (Second Period)
Avs shots over the net: Um…let’s try every time Altitude talked about Sweden. 6.
Drinks I’ve had: 6 (in aggregate). Look, my wife said one “drink” per period or something. She’s in charge. Ask SeeSeven. But now she’s asleep. Ha! I’m in charge now.
Oh hey third period. It’s a beautiful Thursday evening John, what the hell else do we have to do? NAME THAT REFERENCE FOR A FREE SEAMILL POINT! First one gets it.
5 minutes in and not a lot to recap. ‘Lina had some good rushes, but nothing major. A few good saves required by Varly. Avs weren’t turtling, in my opinion, but ‘Lina was pushing hard.
So, at the 6 and half minute mark, ‘Lina had 48 shots. However, I would argue 5 of those were dangerous and 3 went in, so do the math. A lot of long range or bad angle shots. Is that a way of living a season? No. But one game? Yeah, it’s fine. Varly had one bad goal, after that was good Varly.
Move to the 8 minute mark and ‘Lina got a PP. So many shots, right? PK-2
‘Lina got one shot, ha. One. So yeah. Not really caring. PK over.
Game stalled. Empty net. No goals. Avs still win.
Super Important Comparison of the Night (Third Period)
Avs shots over the net: Don’t care because no math matter. Math sucks. Like the metric system.
Drinks I’ve had: A lot (but I could drink more…)
3rd Drink: Varly (lots o’shots)
2nd Drink: Kerfoot (great overall game)
1st Drink: Lindholm (amazing overall game) (HASHTAG: where the fuck did he come from)